Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Austen's LiveJournal:

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Tuesday, July 27th, 2004
6:03 pm	i thought that you were joking when you said you couldn't breathe i'm sorry i'm a lame little boy and never update this thing, but everytime that i do get in the mood to do so, everything that comes to mind doesn't seem interesting enough to write down. no big deal though, i guess. besides, people only use these things to make fun of people under "anonymous". spent a lot of time at the school today. or should i say, wasted a lot of time. don't ask me why i do the things i do. trust me, i don't know. despite the level of gay this day has reached, i'm in a damn fine mood. i feel like throwing beer bottles. had another boys night out last night. wes taught us a cool little trick to do with salt shakers and quarters. but first, we sang songs and i pretty much just threw myself all over the back seat of lance's car. went to gerard for a couple of minutes, but we didn't stay long due to an emergency beyond our control. tomorrow will be just like today, i'm sure...except by this time i'll be at work. so...even...better? later. STRIKE ME DOWN. HALLELUJAH. Current Mood: cynical Current Music: Matt Skiba / Kevin Seconds split (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, July 21st, 2004
4:17 pm	to my mistress, the bridge I feel like I've been shot out of the womb all over again. The Motion is getting a face-lift. I cut my hair. I cut my hand. I love you all. xoxo. Have a good one. P.S. Double-D is in love with Lance. Current Mood: crazy Current Music: The Bled (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, July 12th, 2004
11:02 am	there's music playing but we dance to the beat of our own black hearts so i had this really great idea, or it seemed really great at the time. long story short, it blew up in my face. pissed off a guy on the phone at work yesterday. it wasn't my fault i couldn't stop laughing. heard a loud noise outside my window, probably from the street last night. sounded like a black cat, but louder. so i looked out my window to find nothing, so i blamed it on the rapture and went back to sleep. the interesting life i lead. the way i feel right now is pretty much how a car crash looks...which doesn't say much for how i look at the moment either. Current Mood: tired Current Music: death cab (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, June 19th, 2004
11:10 am	Contagious Dance Fever Lance is my therapist. The Motion is the support group. Current Mood: excited Current Music: Dillinger Escape Plan (8 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, June 15th, 2004
10:07 am	i'll never make love in this town again... Boys: Shoot to thrill from the hip It's time we put the "act" in action We've tricked these pigs into thinking that this auction is a pageant. In no time there will be makeup on our new set of cutlery. The livestock is dumb struck. They're all salivating like ravenous cartoons. Goddamn animal. You'd better watch where you spit. Squeal like soft music. If it helps, we'll dim the lights on the floor. Neon bulbs are the cosmetics of swine. Everybody looks quite dazzling, dressed up in their formal attire. You'd make a great secret if I could keep you, but we all spill our guts. We're locked and loaded, Drip fed and bloated. Our trigger fingers snagged in the mouse trap of the moment. Turn the lights off on us, like a moth left in the cold. In the dark, begging for more. When the urgency strikes you, you'd better not lose your nerve. It's the rush that the cockroaches get at the end of the world. It's alright, It's alright. There's a pail by the bed if you need one, boy you're doing just fine. When in Rome we shall do as the Romans, when in Hell we do shots at the bar. Last call, k-k-kill it Last call, k-k-kill it Last call, k-k-kill it kill it, kill it. We don't think in terms of morning afters and we don't utter a single word of the night before. In the meantime we're just thoughtless. Incessant buzzing apparatus. Disillusioned and lonelier than the last man standing. It doesn't get any better than, this so run like hell. So run like hell, so run like hell. This is a rock and roll takeover, living each day one night at a time. There were mercy fucks, there was blood. You should have been there by my side. This is passion, this is red handed denial. I have no lover and she hasn't the prettiest eyes. Last call, k-k-kill it. Current Mood: awake Current Music: Vietnow. Yeah, that's right. (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, June 11th, 2004
2:15 pm	When 3 o'clock rolls around, the day is over. The air conditioner is always buzzing like the aftermath of a young boy's first cigarette. The birds are always singing on the window sills and my room is always over ninety degrees. Even when I'm clean I still feel filthy. Maybe its the job. Whenever I'm not at work, I'm here alone. I miss my brother. Being on my own isn't how I thought it would be when I was younger. Even if my parents are here I'll be in my room by myself. I push them away when they try to have meaningless little conversations with me. You know, "we need to have a talk" conversations. Such beautiful bullshit. I want a wooden house with a spiral staircase and tall rows of book shelves. I want it to creak and swell when it rains. I want to have a room in the attic where I can look out a window and watch the rivers in the drainage ditches rise and fall. River side property. I want to find old photo albums in a basement and thumb through tattered black and white pictures of people I never knew. I want to visit a veteran and listen to him describe everything he has witnessed. I want to hear life lessons from people who have actually lived their lives. I want to be a part of someone's life. I want to be a page in a notebook, a photo in an old broken frame. I want to run away. I want to hear a dead person say everything will be alright. I've never felt so filthy. I don't sleep anymore. Current Mood: drained Current Music: None. (Comment on this)
Thursday, June 10th, 2004
3:28 pm	"Permission to take the kill, sir!" Yes, I drive like a grandmother, if you must know. Its none of your damn business anyway. I don't think my girlfriend is allowed to see me anymore. Who am I kidding, I can't do this. Or can I? A movie is always better after your tenth time of viewing it. The birds outside my window never stop screaming. I'm thinking its about time I got all hostile in their little bird faces and showed them what I think of their precious little habitat. If you want to make an omlet, you've gotta break some eggs. My hair won't lie down and I still can't dance. Current Mood: hot Current Music: Rage Against The Machine (Comment on this)
Tuesday, June 8th, 2004
8:29 pm	Its Austen...with an E. Yeah, you heard me. I cannot wait for Saved! to hit the theatres. Man, I'm pumped. Thank you all who came out to the show. You will all have a special place in my black, bleeding heart. Moving on, god, I cannot wait for Saved! to come out. So I was humming a song to myself earlier today, and I suddenly began to choke on my spit. Now, this is nothing new, but a surprise all the same. No, I do not feel like writing deep, poetic thoughts. If you don't like it, go to another journal. Go walk your dog. Color your hair. Read a book. I want to play another show, and we will goddamnit. I'm buying a new drum kit, and you will all hail it as god. Haven't slept in a while, it seems. It isn't really bothering me yet, but when I think about it, I really haven't been sleeping well all over again. Its like my brain hit a repeat button and now the vinyl in my head just won't stop spinning and oh my god that didn't make any sense. Run-on sentences are bad ass. Had a good ol' time with the fellas last night. I would go to war with them. They're my brothers. Take that, rewind it back, Lil' Jon got tha beat to make ya booty go... clap. Current Mood: dorky Current Music: LIKE TWO MIDGETS IN THE BACK SEAT WRASTLIN' (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, June 4th, 2004
12:01 pm	you blow my mind like a colt 45 everytime i don't have anything anymore. not a fucking thing. so i'd just like to take this moment and reflect on what i used to have. wait, forget that. so pointless. rather, i will take this moment to thank dear old mom and dad for officially fucking up my life. yes, i know its very important that i do not end up like my brother. yes, i know its very important that i do not end up like my father because hey, look at how bitter and unsupportive he is. yes, i know he dropped out of college so its very important that i go. yes, i know your god has some kind of divine plan for me, and i can only hope that its a car crash of some sort. counseling? fuck you. i'm not the one who needs counseling here. all i wanted to do was be a normal little boy. fuck you and your phone calls and your speeches and your fucking little prayers. everyone is sick of hearing me talk about shit like this, and i'm tired of being pissed all the time. i do not have a damn thing anymore. uh oh, our little boy is using profain language, that isn't what a little christian boy would do. Current Mood: apathetic Current Music: AS I LAY DYING (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, May 28th, 2004
12:05 pm	Never scream without a reason. I got today and tomorrow off of work. That's two days. Yep, that's right, no work for two days. Two whole days. Two of 'em. Yep. Tried to make a good meal today out of noodles and butter, but I didn't cook the noodles long enough so it was like eating potato sticks with butter. Man, I'm awesome. Need to go buy a tie for graduation tonight. Shocker, I don't own a tie. Can't even tie a tie. Got a precious little chemical burn at work the other night. Tee hee. Lazy as hell. Two whooole days. Current Mood: awake Current Music: Thrice acoustic (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, April 30th, 2004
4:15 pm	there's a pail by the bed if you need one christ, when is it going to rain? i want to swim on the curbs, and i can't very well do that if it doesn't rain. if you spray axe deoderant too close to your pit, it feels like it bursts into flame. anyways, i'm really uncomfortable and i feel really strange but can't seem to figure out why. something is different...perhaps its just the weather...perhaps i've finally hit puberty. difficult to say at this point. when my voice starts cracking, i'll be sure to let you know. got my prom penguin suit yesterday. microplay is mecca. let's have ourselves an old fashioned exodus. my dog is always asleep. sometimes, while he's sleeping he starts kicking at random. its funny. or other times, he'll wake up and look at me, then sneeze and go back to sleep. he's a good boy. my deoderant never works and the crucifix is always upside-down. Current Mood: devious Current Music: as i lay dying (Comment on this)
Monday, April 12th, 2004
6:33 pm	a boy named sue it has gotten to the point where the only reason i write on this thing is to wait a few weeks and then come back and laugh at myself. i don't like writing about how my day went or things like that anymore. actually, i don't even know what i enjoy writing about. most of the time its just stuff that either: a) annoys me b) confuses me or c) annoys me. i should just start writing really "deep" poetry on this. cliche, yes, but it beats having to read the same style of stuff i'm wasting my time by writing right now. yes, i like run on sentences. my hands are burning. i need to clip my fingernails. i need a haircut. i'm going to prom but i can't dance. that's the worst place for people who can't dance to go hang out...a dance. ironic. sometimes i feel so pathetic i could throw up. sometimes when i think of "lovey-dovey" things that have happened or "sweet" ways i've acted, i want to slap myself. seriously, i'm not very good at this whole boyfriend thing. it might just be because watching other people in relationships makes me sick. i'm an idiot. Current Mood: angry Current Music: Dillinger Escape Plan (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, April 8th, 2004
4:45 pm	get your hands off me i want to be alone, except i don't. but i do. but i don't. i quit. Current Mood: bitchy Current Music: 18 visions (Comment on this)
Sunday, March 28th, 2004
7:56 pm	tonight we dance for tomorrow they release the dogs listening to girls talk about relationships makes me not want to be in one. Current Mood: annoyed Current Music: funeral for a friend (Comment on this)
Saturday, February 21st, 2004
3:11 pm	jesus, he don't want me for his sunbeam worked last night. got home late. didn't sleep. i have a saturday off and nothing to show for it, for i stand forbidden to leave. i'd try to sleep but if i did i'd wake up feeling disappointed. i'd leave the computer but if i did i wouldn't know where to go. goddamn obligations. the throat of the day is officially slit. what a waste. Current Mood: bored Current Music: death cab for cutie (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, February 10th, 2004
11:27 am	Drown us at birth, save us some time Ending lives for a handful of soil, under closed caskets and trifolded flags. Where we crawl through trench warfare, tossing our dead in the cracks. The same places our grandfathers once bled. Erect a monument to push toward perfection. I've got your poetry on vinyl and it's spinning like an alcoholic's grasp on life. I own your hopes and dreams, I am the reason you even get up in the morning. Conceited, self-absorbed and selfish. I'll take a fist to your fine china. This is me vomiting in your crystal sink. Imported furniture, what a twisted affair. I am not alright, but better off than you. This morning I'm more alive than a newborn. Turn me upside-down, smile when I cry. You came out kicking and screaming, forgot to force yourself to stay inside. I'm driving southeast toward the mushroom cloud, picking at a fragment of skin hanging from my lip. But what a great shape and a healthy diet, and you're gagging yourself in empty parking lots. Take your turns in the mirror, count your calories. I'm fucking rolling in gluttony. Who's laughing now? Deeply in touch with a side of light I hoped to never feel. A hideous, ever-increasing warmth coiled around my skin. Who am I to feel its comfort? Somewhere within endless lines of unspoken thought is a distance of many miles. Moons away from salvation, we pushed our shovels into soil, stained with the blood of men we never knew. Children without fathers. Stand, salute, pledge. The tile floor is smeared with the embrace of my knuckles, and the water is always running. In these lines desperation will paint a smile across the throat of your hopeful expectations. Bled am I of my disease. This is how your life can end up. A ship flying red sails becoming ever so small in the distance, this is your tomorrow. Crashing of waves against the bow, these are the hours. The tattered, eroded return, this is your evening. Man fucking overboard. With each day your vessel is wearing away. A reduction of every beach-side daydream of summer's past. Fall is coming. Sweat while you can, for one day you will shiver. The fact that you are still warm keeps you safe. The security of ignorance. The restraint of the unknown. Get out while you can. Look to this pathetic example of dust and breath. From Adam's rib came a killer, walking the earth to this day. Its offspring keep us under spells of unseen potion. There is witchcraft in beauty. There is poison in perfection. A purple dawn is around the bend, save yourself. Don't take your foot off the gas. Close your eyes. Loving by night and sleeping by day, a stepping stone that leads to nowhere. What are our roles, who will you be today? A kiss of shrapnel on blackened lips. Blood of new and old, a fashionable mix. New York taxi and country lisp. Oh, to speak of such irony. Four-lined stanzas draped in grey. Lip-locked forgiveness, pointless apology. Oh, to speak of such plastic affection. Sugar-coated disappointments. Ink-stained life stories. Watered-down resentment, tell me to my face, as beaten as it may be. A crow at dusk will seal your fate. Tell yourself to hold fast to sleep, for opened eyes will not set you free. You are Mother Nature's slave. A beating heart's servant. Fight your eyes, force yourself to stay awake. This is your focus, stay hushed and create. What have we to live for but death? The equation led us to a confusion of familiar emotion. Wooden floors creaked a most beautiful arrangement. The composer, blistered and wrappped in rubber coating, bleeding with each step. Weighted chains hung with vain tension, swaying to the rhythm of the silence. And again we whispered at the top of our lungs, as far as oxygen would allow. Heat-stained car seats, the imported leather you paid extra for, the same one I just destroyed with a head-on collision. The polycarbon windshield you preferred, the same one I just took a voyage through head-first. The sweat-stained T-shirts of the youth, lost among the rubble of your fashionable laundry basket. Ruins of popular department stores. Repeat your name as you stare into the mirror. Lies will give you security, truth will tear you to shreds, so close your eyes and tell me I'm fine. You're so in-season. You're so damn modern. Fashionably dead. You know how we do. Current Mood: numb Current Music: Everytime I Die (Comment on this)
Tuesday, January 20th, 2004
9:02 pm	"if you're ever in a mall and they start to play the 'blue danube waltz', get the hell out" What is there left to say but goodbye? Farewell to every little potential what-if, an executioner’s dream. I met you on a night when I wasn’t feeling quite myself, inches away from my next fist full of champagne. I lost my cute little buzz a long time ago. It’s not much of a party if everyone knows its going to occur every night. At a mere twenty-five miles per hour I evacuated my soul. Waved goodbye from the top of every damp cloud you gazed at from the site of my burial. Stay with me. Sing to me one more time. The night was a lullaby in the throat of an expecting mother. Her steps were carefully placed and the music was an atomic bomb to my ears. Melting flesh in the key of E. Horrific screams in 6/8. Makeshift graves at a moderate tempo. One in front of the other. Current Mood: giggly Current Music: slowreader (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, January 13th, 2004
7:50 pm	"i wanted to put a bullet between the eyes of every panda that wouldn't screw to save its species" i'm convinced no one reads this anymore, so now i feel even more comfortable with being as random as i see fit. random random. god, people piss me off. i hate people. did you see how random that was? yeah, that's right. vanilla coke tastes weird when you drink it with frozen grapes. after hours of exposure to public education, that is all i have allowed myself to learn today. that's it. attention brain cells, the mind will be closing shortly. please make your way to the nearest exit. for some reason i decided to read journals tonight. all ive gathered from putting it all together is that we have all taught ourselves to be entertained by things which normally wouldn't interest us, based on the circumstances of course. yet, when you put all the girl's entries together, all i can get is "i'm way too emotional and i think men are scum but i'm still going to whine because i can't get a boyfriend, love love love, i love the color pink." how hideously cute. everyone's so wrapped up in their little soap operas that we've forgotten how old we are and how much we still don't know. i swear, i'm not pissed off all the time. just saying that because i know how much people enjoy looking up people's journals just to post judgemental nonsense under the name "anonymous." anyways, chances are my computer's going to erase all of this when i click on the submit button, so here goes. have a pleasant evening and drink your milk. Current Mood: calm Current Music: pull the trigger and the nightmare stops (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, December 30th, 2003
4:05 pm	i will die screaming what a day. see, i can say that because now all i have left to do is eat dinner and go to work. so, my day is over. got up earlier than i thought i would. had a hard time last night, don't ask. went to josh's. we've got this whole music thing down to a science. fertilized josh's grass with my vomit for a little while. that was interesting. got home about an hour ago. shaking with cold. puking is the best thing ever when its all over. i could run a marathon. gotta work late tonight. tomorrow night too, i think. i just really want this weekend off. just saturday. all i want is saturday. emma's still in cameron rockin' and rollin' with the kids. from what she's told me, she's had an interesting day too. well, i've got better things to do than sit here typing. you know, guitar and tv and uh, maybe a book. have a good one. Current Mood: relieved Current Music: I Will Die Screaming - AFI (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, December 29th, 2003
7:39 pm	You have to be the cutest grave digger I've ever seen. its been twenty days. twenty long days. christmas is over. now everyone can go back to being selfish and rude. its a funny thing, that christmas. as long as there's a big tree in everyone's living room, the homeless need to be fed. kids need to be sheltered and everyone's showering the salvation army in pre-wrapped toys and canned goods. when it's over, you see those same christmas trees thrown on the side of the highway. burning in a country field. that's just the way things go. been working more than i ever thought i would before i got a job. went to cameron with emma last weekend. good times, good times. its around this time every christmas break that i start feeling really down, you know, because the break itself is winding down and i get to go back to school to find out how much of a disappointment i am. my day off is gone. my room looks like its been hit by a wrecking ball. we're missing so many things life has to offer. so many regrets. i'm sixteen, and i've never felt so useless. happy holidays. Current Mood: exhausted Current Music: Grain of Salt - Poison The Well (Comment on this)